Here and there

Back in Denver after a month of insane travel. More Life Changes have occurred. Hopefully being in one place for a bit will be more conducive to writing again.

Going 'round in circles

It's a month later, we've had the Detroit service with all of her friends, and not much has changed.

I've made some more Life Choices (note the capital letters), but i still feel stuck in the same place. I keep having this brutal shock when I realize that she's gone. It just doesn't make any sense.

Parts of me are getting better, but a lot of me isn't. I still don't do very well with people, and get incredibly stressed out when put in the center of attention. But I can laugh and I'm starting to be able to cry. I'm sure it's a good thing, even if it doesn't feel like it.

I miss her.

Condolence

Our language is ill equipped to handle the complexities of telling a person how much you feel for them when they have lost someone. My brother once went on a rant, shortly after is father died. Specifically - what the hell IS a condolence? Why are you offering it to me or giving it to me? What the hell am I supposed to do with a partially used condolence? Imagine this all in a George Carlin-esque type rant and you're almost there.

He has a point though.

A lot of people have been pretty straight with me, saying they just don't know what to say, but that they do feel for me. My response has been that it isn't that you have to know what say, but that you want to say something in the first place that matters. But really, why is language so inept?

Not much to say

A friend asked me how i was doing this evening. I've been getting that a lot lately, and I never really know what to say. When I do answer honestly, there's usually a bit of an awkward pause. Really now, what are you supposed to say to that? Generally consisting of "well, my entire life has been put on hold, and i'm going through every day trying to figure out how to live knowing my sister is gone". It's sort of like dropping a 10 ton weight on them, I don't expect them to know how to answer. On the whole, I don't really expect people to know what to say to me. After all, I don't know what to say to them, or to myself, there really isn't anything TO say. But it's the fact that they want to say something that really matters, and that tells me that I've got really great friends.

Shloshim

Among other things, today also marks the one month (in terms of numbers, not in terms of weeks) mark of the death of my sister. Nothing i can do with this information, just something to mark.

Big Damn Rocks

Today Mom, Chris and I trucked up into the mountains so they could look at more possible sites to get married in, come May. I think they've settled on one they saw yesterday, which is a very neat sort of lodgy place. Getting into a bit of nature stuff was very relaxing though, and I can slowly feel myself unwinding from the Holiday. Still can't breath in this State, but i'm okay with that at this point.

One AM is a perfect time for grief to come crashing in again.

Wrap up

The holiday is winding down, people are heading home and back to their lives. I can't help but wonder if this weekend didn't cause serious damage to my Dad's relationship. She didn't seem....thrilled to be spending time with us. To say the least. I think what irritates me about the whole situation is the seeming innocuousness with which a barb was sent out in some of the things that she said. Overall, I just want him to be happy.

This evening was dedicated to relaxing, and defragging from the week. We watched "Triassic Attack"....a deliciously terrible movie if there ever was one. Apples were also stewed.... one of my favorites.

Different Day

Not much to say today, except more of the same. Spent most of the day just hibernating, as I don't really consider myself fit for human company at the moment. I'm still far too snappish and tetchy...

Not talking about it

Happy Thanksgiving.

I'm still struggling to be thankful for things, but I'm trying. The family event today went pretty well, no fighting or screaming. I call that a success.

The only time I completely lost it was when we first arrived, and i found myself counting the chairs around the table, and knowing that she wouldn't be there, and that there wasn't a chair set for her. That pretty much did me in and I had to excuse myself from the room for a bit, otherwise, I more or less held it together. Throughout the evening, we all just avoided the subject. There were some memories brought up and a few stories told, but no one breached it head on. I'm still not sure if I think that was a good thing, but I think none of us knew how to deal with it, or how to start it.

Or if we wanted to.....then again, I suppose none of us even remotely wanted to talk about her death, but it might have been better if we had.

I continue to find myself very short fused, and stressed out in social situations. The only way I can explain it in words to people is "I hate everyone", which isn't true, but when it comes down to it, I just get so stressed out that words fail. The result is a very twitchy, snappish me or a completely silent me. I try and stick with the silent version, it results in fewer heads getting bitten off.

Hidden surprises

We went bowling tonight, and oddly enough, I really enjoyed it.

As mentioned earlier, I expected tonight to be incredibly uncomfortable and stressful for me. I'm very surprised, and pleased that it wasn't. I'm fully aware that tomorrow will have its pitfalls and moments, but for the time being, I'm thankful that I got to have tonight with my family.

Also, I stink at bowling. Baby steps.

Altered state of mind

Family is in town....let the Holiday begin.

Is it over yet?

Nothing in particular has happened, other than going to pick up my Dad and his girlfriend from the airport, but I'm already stressed out way more than necessary. I can feel my blood pressure rising, and my need to hide out in my room increasing. Nothing has happened, there's been no particular moment of awkward. I just find myself back in the position I was last month, of not wanting to talk to, or deal with anyone. I haven't been forced to be terribly social in the past month, it's mostly been my mother and I, and my two brothers from time to time. Nothing major, no events with a capital E. Now that Thanksgiving is here, I find myself wanting to hide in corner, or sleep even more than I have been.

Not helpful.

Trying to be thankful

Thanksgiving has, unsurprisingly, snuck up on me this year. The entire month of November has basically been a write off, but I did get a lot of stuff done helping to clear my sister's things. I don't know that that ranks up there on the 'life productivity' scale, however. Suddenly, i'm faced with the prospect of Thanksgiving on Thursday, which somehow I wasn't expecting.

Shockingly, I don't feel terribly thankful this year.

This is probably incredibly ungrateful of me, there are a lot of things I can be thankful for. Her illness was relatively brief, we were all with her, the rest of my family is in good health and I've been able to work with most of the professors to make up my course work. I'm thankful for all of this. But just in general, it's pretty hard to feel in the Thankful-type spirit. The holiday is marching forward however, complete with all the traditional family plans. My dad comes in tomorrow, everyone's going bowling. Thursday we're going to cook (okay, everyone else is. I'm not allowed near anything flammable) and sit around the table....it's going to be painful, but i think helpful.

On a different, completely rage-filled note, my sister's jackass of an ex has re-emerged. In particular, today he texted this little gem, and I QUOTE:

"I want you to know that without a doubt IF i was still in her life she'd BE alive"

I can't even begin to address how many things are wrong with that, and how much it fills me to my very core with rage.

I am thankful however.

Thankful that he was no longer in her life, and that she kicked him out. Thankful that I will never have to speak to him again, and never have to be nice. Thankful that she knew she was loved, and that he was wrong about everything she said. Thankful to have had her as my sister, and to know that she loved me.

I'm Thankful.

Staring down the barrel

I meant to be asleep by now, but as I was brushing my teeth it hit me. I'm now terrified of death. Every so often, my mind wanders to wondering where my sister is now, what happened after she left that hospital room, and I'm terrified. Not for her, she was essentially a good person at heart, and I cling to that. But I'm terrified of what comes after, in a way that I wasn't before. What happens next? Where there previously was just some philosophical question, there now yawns a great void, and I'm terrified of it.

I'm also terrified of dying, because of what I might leave behind. If I ever discover I have some sort of terminal disease, or something of the like, I've found myself considering if I should just disappear, so my family never has to know. Probably not the best option, but my heart breaks a million times a day whenever I have to remind myself that my sister is dead, and that I wont ever see her again. Won't talk to her, won't ask her for fashion advice, won't bond over our parents or brothers being totally ridiculous.

On the outside, I think I appear fine, or perhaps even lacking in emotion. I just can't deal with it, it doesn't make sense. I find myself wanting to talk to her, and every time I see a change in something I go "She's missing this....it's the first X since she died". The fall colors, the snow, a sunny day. It keeps moving on.

Like I said in my last post - none of what i'm saying is new, none of it is something someone hasn't experienced before. But I still don't know how I'm going to deal with it. How is it that I manage to go through every day, clearing her things, functioning, making plans, even laughing some times...how am I doing all this? All I know is that at some point, one of us will die...and I'll have to do it all over again, or they'll have to do it for me...I don't know how to deal with that. How do I deal with being so afraid?

How do you write something like this?

I'm writing this from my mother's living room right now, where I am now living. Life has changed a bit, and I'm going to try and start writing some of it down, rather than keeping it bottled up. I'll have a fair bit more time now, as I've had to withdraw from the semester at University of Michigan. In short - after three weeks in the hospital, wherein we thought she was getting better, my sister suffered multiple internal organ failures and died around 3 am on October 28th, 2010.

There is no way to dress up the reality of the situation. I have to remind myself multiple times each day that this is real, and that I'm not going to wake up and find out this is all some horrible joke. I know that, in the end, this is what was best for her, that she experienced everything so intensely that it was overwhelming every minute of every day. But I still want my big sister back, and that's just not going to happen.

None of this is new, none of this is something someone else hasn't said before. But I'm doing what I can to deal with it.

In the mean time, today was the first snow of the season. I haven't seen a first snow since the snow storm in London a couple of years ago. Even then, somehow this seemed different, watching ridiculously fat flakes cause all sorts of chaos on the streets of Denver, even when there are still bright orange and red leaves on the trees. There was a certain beauty to it. I wish she could have seen it.

Dresser Remix - Part 1

Among her other talents, my Mom is an awesome, crafty human being. While she was pregnant with me, she took it upon herself to refinish eight sets of drawers, two for each of her children. Each brother got a gray/black combo, reversed so they were different and my sister had pink and white. I got purple and white. Somewhere in there she also refinished a bachelor cabinet in red and white. These drawers have stood my siblings and I in good stead. Most of the sets are still around, although one or two have gone missing over the years, and they don't necessarily still look as shiny and new.

The remaining dresser I have, as well as the bachelor cabinet, have certainly seen better days.



However, they have in large part held up incredibly well over the years. Most of the damage was child, rather than time inflicted (I take full responsibility for those stickers on there, sorry Mom). The reason for this is, in large part, because my mother was terribly industrious when she did the refinishing. So industrious she put on FIVE coats of paint. Yes...FIVE. This would come back to haunt us later.




By haunt us, I mean that after two days of reapplying chemical paint stripper ad nauseum, large amounts of the paint still hadn't come off.



Next up? Sanding time....

Movin' and Rollin'

Last month, with copious amounts of help from two of the best friends a girl could ask for, I packed up my flat in London and headed back to the States. There may also have been a horrific amount of Starbucks' DoubleShots drinks consumed...but I'm not going to go into the details. After ten days at my Dad's, my Mom flew in and we drove out to Michigan to get the ball rolling on that whole 'life' and 'going back to school thing. Oh what a drive...

There is a phrase that there are only two seasons in Michigan: winter and construction. Here's a little protip for you - this is actually true for the majority of the Midwest. Particularly Western Pennsylvania, which is also known more commonly as one of the inner circles of Hell. Picture twenty MILES of single lane construction. Hello Barrel Season.


Oh yeah....there was also a gigantic truck with half of my Dad's apartment and the entirety of his storage locker packed in there....


My Father is what one might kindly refer to as a pack rat. Okay no, that's an exaggeration, he'll hang on to *anything* if he thinks there might just possibly be a use for it at a later date.

This includes the coffee filters to a coffee maker that he owned (and got rid of) in 1975.

Before my parents met.

I am not even exaggerating.

Other gems included a 3 foot tall, mirrored plinth (circa 1980, it was apparently very stylish back then), two 12 x 16 bright purple, shag carpets, and a file cabinet that I think belonged to my grandfather before he married my grandmother (and doesn't open). Somehow, despite my vigilance, all of these things ended up on that truck.

....I love my family. But sometimes, they're nuts.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

As previously mentioned, I'm moving back to the States.
Specifically, this Wednesday. This has resulted in all kinds of chaos over here, mainly consisting of 'Oh God, I have to pack my entire liiiifeee'. It is however, going surprisingly well. Mainly due to two amazing friends, who were here yesterday for almost 12 hours helping me pack.

Seriously, friends are amazing.

For the past several months Alli and I have been working our way through the Harry Potter movie series. I'm incredibly sad that I won't get to go to the premiers of Deathly Hollows Part 1 & 2 with her, particularly as the newly released trailer looks absolutely amazing. Tonight we watched Order of the Phoenix, which is my least favorite of the books, but not a bad movie. The battle scenes at the end, in particular, are incredible. To celebrate, I made Butterbeer, a recipe for which I had stumbled over earlier this afternoon.


Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find butterscotch topping (actually, when i described it, the guy at Marks and Spencer looked like I was nuts. Such things may not exist in England, I guess), so I used toffee dessert topping instead. I did manage to get some A&W Cream Soda though. All in all, it was tasty for the first three sips, then it was just WAY too sweet. I'm thinking if (and when) I try this again, I'll use the club soda instead, and nix the butter entirely. It doesn't add anything...granted, being sans butter and butterscotch may make this NOT Butterbeer, but i think it will be tasty anyway. I experimented on had Alli try some as well, and she agreed with me. We also both agree that adding Rum had a lot of potential as well.....*angelic whistle*

Just in case anyone wants the recipe....

Ingredients:

1 cup (8 oz) club soda or cream soda

½ cup (4 oz) butterscotch syrup (ice cream topping)

½ tablespoon butter

Directions:

Step 1: Measure butterscotch and butter into a 2 cup (16 oz) glass. Microwave on high for 1 to 1½ minutes, or until syrup is bubbly and butter is completely incorporated.

Step 2: Stir and cool for 30 seconds, then slowly mix in club soda. Mixture will fizz quite a bit.

Step 3: Serve in two coffee mugs or small glasses; a perfectly warm Hogwarts treat for two!

Weird Things I Have Found While Packing

I'm busy packing up my apartment for when I move back to the States in July, it's absolutely staggering the amount of crap I have managed to accumulate over the past two years. Some of it however, is just plain weird.

Exhibit A:
A copy of my course schedule for spring semester. From my FRESHMAN year.
In college.
In the States.
How the hell did it even get here??


I'm now slightly worried about what other horrors might come crawling out from the depths while I pack. Hopefully my glasses will be among them, as they've been missing for over a month.

Girasol does Greece

I cannot express how much I love Stephen for sending me this Girasol....it has become my travel companion. It's a blanket, it's a pillow, it's pretty much everything (okay, it doesn't do dishes, but that's about it). I've had a great time taking photos of it in different places and sending them back to him, it's like a Flat Stanley that can give cuddles.

Last week, I took the Girasol to Greece and showed it the sights. We caught some sun by the pool in Rhodes....



As well as by the Mediterranean....



Then took in the beauty of the Parthenon and the Acropolis in Athens.....


And then went to feel the vibes at the Temple of Dephi...



I may or may not have been there too....more of my photos to come...(oh, and the Elephants, can't forget those)

Greece!

I'm in Greece....it's awesome. Back home tomorrow. In the meantime...ooooh shiny

I'm running low on witty, Elephant-related titles

Last Sunday I lost my patience with being inside and headed out for a trek. There were a few Elephants I'd missed off Oxford Street and Regent Street, so I started there. After that, I don't really know what happened...but I kept convincing myself that "Oh, this one's not too far off...I'll just go get that one." Cue trudging, and then "OOH! This one..." etc etc. This cycle continued for about 6 1/2 hours, and at the end of the day I think I did roughly 10 miles of walking. I've started wearing a pedometer on some of my treks, and it informed me I took 18,495 steps. Either way, I'm really pleased with that kind of activity. I've noticed that in the past month my face has thinned a bit, and I've dropped a dress size. I'm calling it the Elephant Diet and I'm gonna run (or walk, ad nauseum) with it.
152 - Frank - Market Place
2 - Radja - Market Place
34 - Little Moo - Cavendish Square
206 - Mr. Bojangles - Cavendish Square
223 - Rangoli - Cavendish Square
37 - Woodland - Cavendish Square
242 - G-N-S - Golden Square Gardens
154 - Gilt - Golden Square Gardens
245 - Jade - Heddon St
200 - Dickinson Elephant - Jermyn Street
133 - Manasuna - Burlington Arcade
120 - The Singing Butler Rides Again - Burlington Arcade
82 - Grey Elephant - New Bond Street
233 - Topographant - New Bond Street
248 - Sadhana - New Bond Street
236 - Patchwork - Berkeley Square
101- Layla - Berkeley Square
194 - Iconic London- Berkeley Square
212 - Looking Me In The Eye - Berkeley Square
207 - Untitled - Berkeley Square
156 - TINKLE - Berkeley Square (listed as Bruton St)
168 - Coco - Berkeley Square
125 - Lover - Berkeley Square (listed as Bruton St)
90 - Twiggie - 37 Davies St
32 - Little Birde - Mount St
131 - Sidhe - Mount St
54 - Eli Krishma - Mount St
105 - Elephant Ladyland - Mount St
123 - A Penny For Your Thoughts - 26 South Audley St
93 - Tango - The Dorchester
163 - Suraj - The Dorchester
170 - The Vanishing Elephant - Curzon St
53 - Nana - Curzon St
138 - Eleafant - Curzon St
30 - Vorsprung - Piccadilly (Near entrance to Green Park)

237 - Freedom - Piccadilly (Across from Hard Rock Cafe)
240 - Zabriskie - Hyde Park Corner
8 - Ampersand - Hyde Park Corner
24 - Whizz - Hyde Park, Speaker's Corner
46 - Bobby - Hyde Park, Speaker's Corner
22 - Bolt - Hyde Park, Speaker's Corner
23 - Dash - Hyde Park, Speaker's Corner
18 - Panda - Hyde Park, Speaker's Corner

Detail of two of my favorites - Ampersand and Topographant.