I meant to be asleep by now, but as I was brushing my teeth it hit me. I'm now terrified of death. Every so often, my mind wanders to wondering where my sister is now, what happened after she left that hospital room, and I'm terrified. Not for her, she was essentially a good person at heart, and I cling to that. But I'm terrified of what comes after, in a way that I wasn't before. What happens next? Where there previously was just some philosophical question, there now yawns a great void, and I'm terrified of it.
I'm also terrified of dying, because of what I might leave behind. If I ever discover I have some sort of terminal disease, or something of the like, I've found myself considering if I should just disappear, so my family never has to know. Probably not the best option, but my heart breaks a million times a day whenever I have to remind myself that my sister is dead, and that I wont ever see her again. Won't talk to her, won't ask her for fashion advice, won't bond over our parents or brothers being totally ridiculous.
On the outside, I think I appear fine, or perhaps even lacking in emotion. I just can't deal with it, it doesn't make sense. I find myself wanting to talk to her, and every time I see a change in something I go "She's missing this....it's the first X since she died". The fall colors, the snow, a sunny day. It keeps moving on.
Like I said in my last post - none of what i'm saying is new, none of it is something someone hasn't experienced before. But I still don't know how I'm going to deal with it. How is it that I manage to go through every day, clearing her things, functioning, making plans, even laughing some times...how am I doing all this? All I know is that at some point, one of us will die...and I'll have to do it all over again, or they'll have to do it for me...I don't know how to deal with that. How do I deal with being so afraid?
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