Here and there

Back in Denver after a month of insane travel. More Life Changes have occurred. Hopefully being in one place for a bit will be more conducive to writing again.

Going 'round in circles

It's a month later, we've had the Detroit service with all of her friends, and not much has changed.

I've made some more Life Choices (note the capital letters), but i still feel stuck in the same place. I keep having this brutal shock when I realize that she's gone. It just doesn't make any sense.

Parts of me are getting better, but a lot of me isn't. I still don't do very well with people, and get incredibly stressed out when put in the center of attention. But I can laugh and I'm starting to be able to cry. I'm sure it's a good thing, even if it doesn't feel like it.

I miss her.

Condolence

Our language is ill equipped to handle the complexities of telling a person how much you feel for them when they have lost someone. My brother once went on a rant, shortly after is father died. Specifically - what the hell IS a condolence? Why are you offering it to me or giving it to me? What the hell am I supposed to do with a partially used condolence? Imagine this all in a George Carlin-esque type rant and you're almost there.

He has a point though.

A lot of people have been pretty straight with me, saying they just don't know what to say, but that they do feel for me. My response has been that it isn't that you have to know what say, but that you want to say something in the first place that matters. But really, why is language so inept?

Not much to say

A friend asked me how i was doing this evening. I've been getting that a lot lately, and I never really know what to say. When I do answer honestly, there's usually a bit of an awkward pause. Really now, what are you supposed to say to that? Generally consisting of "well, my entire life has been put on hold, and i'm going through every day trying to figure out how to live knowing my sister is gone". It's sort of like dropping a 10 ton weight on them, I don't expect them to know how to answer. On the whole, I don't really expect people to know what to say to me. After all, I don't know what to say to them, or to myself, there really isn't anything TO say. But it's the fact that they want to say something that really matters, and that tells me that I've got really great friends.

Shloshim

Among other things, today also marks the one month (in terms of numbers, not in terms of weeks) mark of the death of my sister. Nothing i can do with this information, just something to mark.

Big Damn Rocks

Today Mom, Chris and I trucked up into the mountains so they could look at more possible sites to get married in, come May. I think they've settled on one they saw yesterday, which is a very neat sort of lodgy place. Getting into a bit of nature stuff was very relaxing though, and I can slowly feel myself unwinding from the Holiday. Still can't breath in this State, but i'm okay with that at this point.

One AM is a perfect time for grief to come crashing in again.