Not much to say

A friend asked me how i was doing this evening. I've been getting that a lot lately, and I never really know what to say. When I do answer honestly, there's usually a bit of an awkward pause. Really now, what are you supposed to say to that? Generally consisting of "well, my entire life has been put on hold, and i'm going through every day trying to figure out how to live knowing my sister is gone". It's sort of like dropping a 10 ton weight on them, I don't expect them to know how to answer. On the whole, I don't really expect people to know what to say to me. After all, I don't know what to say to them, or to myself, there really isn't anything TO say. But it's the fact that they want to say something that really matters, and that tells me that I've got really great friends.

Shloshim

Among other things, today also marks the one month (in terms of numbers, not in terms of weeks) mark of the death of my sister. Nothing i can do with this information, just something to mark.

Big Damn Rocks

Today Mom, Chris and I trucked up into the mountains so they could look at more possible sites to get married in, come May. I think they've settled on one they saw yesterday, which is a very neat sort of lodgy place. Getting into a bit of nature stuff was very relaxing though, and I can slowly feel myself unwinding from the Holiday. Still can't breath in this State, but i'm okay with that at this point.

One AM is a perfect time for grief to come crashing in again.

Wrap up

The holiday is winding down, people are heading home and back to their lives. I can't help but wonder if this weekend didn't cause serious damage to my Dad's relationship. She didn't seem....thrilled to be spending time with us. To say the least. I think what irritates me about the whole situation is the seeming innocuousness with which a barb was sent out in some of the things that she said. Overall, I just want him to be happy.

This evening was dedicated to relaxing, and defragging from the week. We watched "Triassic Attack"....a deliciously terrible movie if there ever was one. Apples were also stewed.... one of my favorites.

Different Day

Not much to say today, except more of the same. Spent most of the day just hibernating, as I don't really consider myself fit for human company at the moment. I'm still far too snappish and tetchy...

Not talking about it

Happy Thanksgiving.

I'm still struggling to be thankful for things, but I'm trying. The family event today went pretty well, no fighting or screaming. I call that a success.

The only time I completely lost it was when we first arrived, and i found myself counting the chairs around the table, and knowing that she wouldn't be there, and that there wasn't a chair set for her. That pretty much did me in and I had to excuse myself from the room for a bit, otherwise, I more or less held it together. Throughout the evening, we all just avoided the subject. There were some memories brought up and a few stories told, but no one breached it head on. I'm still not sure if I think that was a good thing, but I think none of us knew how to deal with it, or how to start it.

Or if we wanted to.....then again, I suppose none of us even remotely wanted to talk about her death, but it might have been better if we had.

I continue to find myself very short fused, and stressed out in social situations. The only way I can explain it in words to people is "I hate everyone", which isn't true, but when it comes down to it, I just get so stressed out that words fail. The result is a very twitchy, snappish me or a completely silent me. I try and stick with the silent version, it results in fewer heads getting bitten off.