We went bowling tonight, and oddly enough, I really enjoyed it.
As mentioned earlier, I expected tonight to be incredibly uncomfortable and stressful for me. I'm very surprised, and pleased that it wasn't. I'm fully aware that tomorrow will have its pitfalls and moments, but for the time being, I'm thankful that I got to have tonight with my family.
Also, I stink at bowling. Baby steps.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Altered state of mind
Family is in town....let the Holiday begin.
Is it over yet?
Nothing in particular has happened, other than going to pick up my Dad and his girlfriend from the airport, but I'm already stressed out way more than necessary. I can feel my blood pressure rising, and my need to hide out in my room increasing. Nothing has happened, there's been no particular moment of awkward. I just find myself back in the position I was last month, of not wanting to talk to, or deal with anyone. I haven't been forced to be terribly social in the past month, it's mostly been my mother and I, and my two brothers from time to time. Nothing major, no events with a capital E. Now that Thanksgiving is here, I find myself wanting to hide in corner, or sleep even more than I have been.
Not helpful.
Is it over yet?
Nothing in particular has happened, other than going to pick up my Dad and his girlfriend from the airport, but I'm already stressed out way more than necessary. I can feel my blood pressure rising, and my need to hide out in my room increasing. Nothing has happened, there's been no particular moment of awkward. I just find myself back in the position I was last month, of not wanting to talk to, or deal with anyone. I haven't been forced to be terribly social in the past month, it's mostly been my mother and I, and my two brothers from time to time. Nothing major, no events with a capital E. Now that Thanksgiving is here, I find myself wanting to hide in corner, or sleep even more than I have been.
Not helpful.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Trying to be thankful
Thanksgiving has, unsurprisingly, snuck up on me this year. The entire month of November has basically been a write off, but I did get a lot of stuff done helping to clear my sister's things. I don't know that that ranks up there on the 'life productivity' scale, however. Suddenly, i'm faced with the prospect of Thanksgiving on Thursday, which somehow I wasn't expecting.
Shockingly, I don't feel terribly thankful this year.
This is probably incredibly ungrateful of me, there are a lot of things I can be thankful for. Her illness was relatively brief, we were all with her, the rest of my family is in good health and I've been able to work with most of the professors to make up my course work. I'm thankful for all of this. But just in general, it's pretty hard to feel in the Thankful-type spirit. The holiday is marching forward however, complete with all the traditional family plans. My dad comes in tomorrow, everyone's going bowling. Thursday we're going to cook (okay, everyone else is. I'm not allowed near anything flammable) and sit around the table....it's going to be painful, but i think helpful.
On a different, completely rage-filled note, my sister's jackass of an ex has re-emerged. In particular, today he texted this little gem, and I QUOTE:
"I want you to know that without a doubt IF i was still in her life she'd BE alive"
I can't even begin to address how many things are wrong with that, and how much it fills me to my very core with rage.
I am thankful however.
Thankful that he was no longer in her life, and that she kicked him out. Thankful that I will never have to speak to him again, and never have to be nice. Thankful that she knew she was loved, and that he was wrong about everything she said. Thankful to have had her as my sister, and to know that she loved me.
I'm Thankful.
Shockingly, I don't feel terribly thankful this year.
This is probably incredibly ungrateful of me, there are a lot of things I can be thankful for. Her illness was relatively brief, we were all with her, the rest of my family is in good health and I've been able to work with most of the professors to make up my course work. I'm thankful for all of this. But just in general, it's pretty hard to feel in the Thankful-type spirit. The holiday is marching forward however, complete with all the traditional family plans. My dad comes in tomorrow, everyone's going bowling. Thursday we're going to cook (okay, everyone else is. I'm not allowed near anything flammable) and sit around the table....it's going to be painful, but i think helpful.
On a different, completely rage-filled note, my sister's jackass of an ex has re-emerged. In particular, today he texted this little gem, and I QUOTE:
"I want you to know that without a doubt IF i was still in her life she'd BE alive"
I can't even begin to address how many things are wrong with that, and how much it fills me to my very core with rage.
I am thankful however.
Thankful that he was no longer in her life, and that she kicked him out. Thankful that I will never have to speak to him again, and never have to be nice. Thankful that she knew she was loved, and that he was wrong about everything she said. Thankful to have had her as my sister, and to know that she loved me.
I'm Thankful.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Staring down the barrel
I meant to be asleep by now, but as I was brushing my teeth it hit me. I'm now terrified of death. Every so often, my mind wanders to wondering where my sister is now, what happened after she left that hospital room, and I'm terrified. Not for her, she was essentially a good person at heart, and I cling to that. But I'm terrified of what comes after, in a way that I wasn't before. What happens next? Where there previously was just some philosophical question, there now yawns a great void, and I'm terrified of it.
I'm also terrified of dying, because of what I might leave behind. If I ever discover I have some sort of terminal disease, or something of the like, I've found myself considering if I should just disappear, so my family never has to know. Probably not the best option, but my heart breaks a million times a day whenever I have to remind myself that my sister is dead, and that I wont ever see her again. Won't talk to her, won't ask her for fashion advice, won't bond over our parents or brothers being totally ridiculous.
On the outside, I think I appear fine, or perhaps even lacking in emotion. I just can't deal with it, it doesn't make sense. I find myself wanting to talk to her, and every time I see a change in something I go "She's missing this....it's the first X since she died". The fall colors, the snow, a sunny day. It keeps moving on.
Like I said in my last post - none of what i'm saying is new, none of it is something someone hasn't experienced before. But I still don't know how I'm going to deal with it. How is it that I manage to go through every day, clearing her things, functioning, making plans, even laughing some times...how am I doing all this? All I know is that at some point, one of us will die...and I'll have to do it all over again, or they'll have to do it for me...I don't know how to deal with that. How do I deal with being so afraid?
I'm also terrified of dying, because of what I might leave behind. If I ever discover I have some sort of terminal disease, or something of the like, I've found myself considering if I should just disappear, so my family never has to know. Probably not the best option, but my heart breaks a million times a day whenever I have to remind myself that my sister is dead, and that I wont ever see her again. Won't talk to her, won't ask her for fashion advice, won't bond over our parents or brothers being totally ridiculous.
On the outside, I think I appear fine, or perhaps even lacking in emotion. I just can't deal with it, it doesn't make sense. I find myself wanting to talk to her, and every time I see a change in something I go "She's missing this....it's the first X since she died". The fall colors, the snow, a sunny day. It keeps moving on.
Like I said in my last post - none of what i'm saying is new, none of it is something someone hasn't experienced before. But I still don't know how I'm going to deal with it. How is it that I manage to go through every day, clearing her things, functioning, making plans, even laughing some times...how am I doing all this? All I know is that at some point, one of us will die...and I'll have to do it all over again, or they'll have to do it for me...I don't know how to deal with that. How do I deal with being so afraid?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
How do you write something like this?
I'm writing this from my mother's living room right now, where I am now living. Life has changed a bit, and I'm going to try and start writing some of it down, rather than keeping it bottled up. I'll have a fair bit more time now, as I've had to withdraw from the semester at University of Michigan. In short - after three weeks in the hospital, wherein we thought she was getting better, my sister suffered multiple internal organ failures and died around 3 am on October 28th, 2010.
There is no way to dress up the reality of the situation. I have to remind myself multiple times each day that this is real, and that I'm not going to wake up and find out this is all some horrible joke. I know that, in the end, this is what was best for her, that she experienced everything so intensely that it was overwhelming every minute of every day. But I still want my big sister back, and that's just not going to happen.
None of this is new, none of this is something someone else hasn't said before. But I'm doing what I can to deal with it.
In the mean time, today was the first snow of the season. I haven't seen a first snow since the snow storm in London a couple of years ago. Even then, somehow this seemed different, watching ridiculously fat flakes cause all sorts of chaos on the streets of Denver, even when there are still bright orange and red leaves on the trees. There was a certain beauty to it. I wish she could have seen it.
There is no way to dress up the reality of the situation. I have to remind myself multiple times each day that this is real, and that I'm not going to wake up and find out this is all some horrible joke. I know that, in the end, this is what was best for her, that she experienced everything so intensely that it was overwhelming every minute of every day. But I still want my big sister back, and that's just not going to happen.
None of this is new, none of this is something someone else hasn't said before. But I'm doing what I can to deal with it.
In the mean time, today was the first snow of the season. I haven't seen a first snow since the snow storm in London a couple of years ago. Even then, somehow this seemed different, watching ridiculously fat flakes cause all sorts of chaos on the streets of Denver, even when there are still bright orange and red leaves on the trees. There was a certain beauty to it. I wish she could have seen it.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Dresser Remix - Part 1
Among her other talents, my Mom is an awesome, crafty human being. While she was pregnant with me, she took it upon herself to refinish eight sets of drawers, two for each of her children. Each brother got a gray/black combo, reversed so they were different and my sister had pink and white. I got purple and white. Somewhere in there she also refinished a bachelor cabinet in red and white. These drawers have stood my siblings and I in good stead. Most of the sets are still around, although one or two have gone missing over the years, and they don't necessarily still look as shiny and new.
The remaining dresser I have, as well as the bachelor cabinet, have certainly seen better days.
However, they have in large part held up incredibly well over the years. Most of the damage was child, rather than time inflicted (I take full responsibility for those stickers on there, sorry Mom). The reason for this is, in large part, because my mother was terribly industrious when she did the refinishing. So industrious she put on FIVE coats of paint. Yes...FIVE. This would come back to haunt us later.
By haunt us, I mean that after two days of reapplying chemical paint stripper ad nauseum, large amounts of the paint still hadn't come off.
Next up? Sanding time....
The remaining dresser I have, as well as the bachelor cabinet, have certainly seen better days.
However, they have in large part held up incredibly well over the years. Most of the damage was child, rather than time inflicted (I take full responsibility for those stickers on there, sorry Mom). The reason for this is, in large part, because my mother was terribly industrious when she did the refinishing. So industrious she put on FIVE coats of paint. Yes...FIVE. This would come back to haunt us later.
By haunt us, I mean that after two days of reapplying chemical paint stripper ad nauseum, large amounts of the paint still hadn't come off.
Next up? Sanding time....
Movin' and Rollin'
Last month, with copious amounts of help from two of the best friends a girl could ask for, I packed up my flat in London and headed back to the States. There may also have been a horrific amount of Starbucks' DoubleShots drinks consumed...but I'm not going to go into the details. After ten days at my Dad's, my Mom flew in and we drove out to Michigan to get the ball rolling on that whole 'life' and 'going back to school thing. Oh what a drive...
There is a phrase that there are only two seasons in Michigan: winter and construction. Here's a little protip for you - this is actually true for the majority of the Midwest. Particularly Western Pennsylvania, which is also known more commonly as one of the inner circles of Hell. Picture twenty MILES of single lane construction. Hello Barrel Season.
Oh yeah....there was also a gigantic truck with half of my Dad's apartment and the entirety of his storage locker packed in there....
My Father is what one might kindly refer to as a pack rat. Okay no, that's an exaggeration, he'll hang on to *anything* if he thinks there might just possibly be a use for it at a later date.
This includes the coffee filters to a coffee maker that he owned (and got rid of) in 1975.
Before my parents met.
I am not even exaggerating.
Other gems included a 3 foot tall, mirrored plinth (circa 1980, it was apparently very stylish back then), two 12 x 16 bright purple, shag carpets, and a file cabinet that I think belonged to my grandfather before he married my grandmother (and doesn't open). Somehow, despite my vigilance, all of these things ended up on that truck.
....I love my family. But sometimes, they're nuts.
There is a phrase that there are only two seasons in Michigan: winter and construction. Here's a little protip for you - this is actually true for the majority of the Midwest. Particularly Western Pennsylvania, which is also known more commonly as one of the inner circles of Hell. Picture twenty MILES of single lane construction. Hello Barrel Season.
Oh yeah....there was also a gigantic truck with half of my Dad's apartment and the entirety of his storage locker packed in there....
My Father is what one might kindly refer to as a pack rat. Okay no, that's an exaggeration, he'll hang on to *anything* if he thinks there might just possibly be a use for it at a later date.
This includes the coffee filters to a coffee maker that he owned (and got rid of) in 1975.
Before my parents met.
I am not even exaggerating.
Other gems included a 3 foot tall, mirrored plinth (circa 1980, it was apparently very stylish back then), two 12 x 16 bright purple, shag carpets, and a file cabinet that I think belonged to my grandfather before he married my grandmother (and doesn't open). Somehow, despite my vigilance, all of these things ended up on that truck.
....I love my family. But sometimes, they're nuts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)